


Forget what I said (it’s not what I meant)

by SweetJames



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:48:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29898600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetJames/pseuds/SweetJames
Summary: Shelby wakes up the night before her twenty-fifth birthday in a hot sweat from a dream that haunts her regularly. She sits up in bed, running her fingers through her hair. She has been woken up by these dreams more frequently in recent weeks. In the back of her mind, she can  still see dark, fierce eyes and strong hands rooting her.Shelby and Toni haven’t been together in five years, so why can’t Shelby stop thinking about the dark haired girl that she fell so hard for.
Relationships: Regan & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 7
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

Shelby wakes up the night before her twenty-fifth birthday in a hot sweat from a dream that haunts her regularly. She sits up in bed, running her fingers through her hair. She has been woken up with these dreams more frequently in recent weeks. Her pink cami top is soaked through and Shelby looks at the time on the clock on her side table, 3:23am, it reads and the red hue of the numbers hurt her tired eyes. In the back of her mind, she can feel the faint feeling of the dream that woke her. She can see dark, fierce eyes and strong hands rooting her.

Shelby gets up and pads her way into her kitchen for a glass of water. She looks around at the cold room, not a single thing out of place. A shining example of counter top perfection, and it’s at times like this she wants to burn it all down. Phone in hand, it takes every ounce of control and self preservation not to open Instagram and search _her_ name.

“Pull yourself together” she mutters into the darkness, pushing her face into her hands.

It has been nearly five years since she has seen the dark haired girl that clouded her thoughts and invaded her dreams. Shelby has spent the years blocking any memories of the girl she had loved once upon time. It was all in the past, she thought to herself, when she was a different person entirely. A person she has spent years trying to shed. It’s only now, in the dead of night, does she think back to that girl. Brave in the face of danger, a mess of freckles and matted hair on the Island. Having lost all civility, giving into everything she had ever wanted.

But the truth is, she hasn’t been that person for a long time and if Toni saw her now, she probably wouldn’t even recognise her.

Shelby settles down onto the coach and wraps her arms around herself, allowing her thoughts a quite moment to drift to the past.

When they had first returned from the Island, after the real investigation and the shocking revelation of everything that had happened to them. Shelby and Toni had promised each other that they would stay together, they were in love and they were the only people who could ever understand what the other had been through. For a while things were great, they spent nights wrapped up together and mornings making breakfast with ease. They had gotten into the same College and for years the two had fallen into an easy pattern of being together. They had been happy, Shelby thinks, perhaps that was the best time of her life.

But things couldn’t stay like that forever. Eventually, what had happened to them on the island began to seep into their lives. The trauma of everything they had been through, all the unaddressed issues that couldn’t go away with a bit of settlement money. Toni’s anger started to brew again, at first it was just under the surface, Shelby could kiss it away when she could see her dark eyes flicker with rage. Then she got fired from her job for getting into a fight with her co-worker and her anger became an ever-present feature in their lives and Shelby wasn’t enough to fix it anymore.

As time went on, Shelby had begun to miss her family so much more than she thought she would. Despite her chosen family, the girls, being there for her. (Her Father had cut all ties with her when he had seen her return from the Island with her fingers intertwined with Toni’s.) As time passed, Shelby missed her Mother and her siblings, more than she ever thought she would and eventually she resented the dark haired girl for everything she had given up for her.

They had broken up three years after the experiment ended, and Shelby moved back to Texas, promising her family she had changed. And the truth was, she had changed, but she knew it wasn’t for the better.

Shelby hadn’t spoken to Toni since the day she packed her suitcase and left. They had held onto each other as they cried in the doorway of their tiny apartment. Shelby can remember it so clearly, despite years of trying to erase it. It had been a Tuesday and Toni had smelt like their washing powder and her coconut shampoo. Toni had whispered ‘I’m sorry’ into Shelby’s hair and kissed her so hard Shelby nearly didn’t leave. Shelby had let a few tears fall onto her cheeks as she gripped hard onto the girl she loved, grounding herself. She told herself that she was making the right decision, that she would go back to Texas and give herself some time to figure out who she was away from Toni and the reminder of what had happened to them. She would stay in Texas for a year, win back her family’s trust, spend some time with Spencer and Melody and figure out her next steps.

Now, Shelby looks around the apartment that she had brought in Fort Travis, two years ago. It’s across town from her family home and despite telling herself when she bought it that it would be nice to stay close to them. She has never felt lonelier.

The sun is slowly starting to rise outside and when she checks the time, it reads 5am. The feeling in her chest that she had woken up with, is still there and she tells herself that’s what happens when you start thinking about the past. She tries to blink away any more memories, but when she closes her eyes, her thoughts are met with tanned skin and a rough voice calling her home.

“Fuck” she mutters. She knows she has to start her day, go for a run or make some breakfast. But instead her hand drifts to her phone and all resolve disappears as she searches on Instagram for @Toni_Shalifoe. There she is, just a touch away and yet Shelby has never felt further from her.

In the years that passed, Shelby has done her best to forget about Toni, and the life they had had together. She slowly formed herself back into the pitch perfect daughter, her Father had wanted her to be. Had even gone out on a few dates with a man from Church, just to shut her Father up. Shelby remembers sitting across from him and wondering what the fuck she was doing with her life. It had been after that, that the dreams had started. Sometimes, they were intimate thoughts of Toni pressing into as she had so many times and Shelby would wake up hot and frustrated. Others, she would be looking at Shelby in disgust at what she had become. A girl so lost, that she doesn’t even recognise herself when she looks in the mirror.

Her fingers hover over Toni’s name and she clicks on it before she can change her mind. There she is, all dark hair and eyes that could always see right through Shelby. From the looks of her Instagram, Toni has moved out to California, like they always said they would, with Martha. There are pictures of the two of them having picnics on the beach and photos of the sun setting over LA. Toni has got a motorbike too and as Shelby flicks through her profile, she honestly thinks Toni has gotten so much hotter in the past five years.

Shelby’s stomach rumbles faintly, as she spends the next hour gorging herself on images of Toni’s life without her. All she can think is what the fuck has she done in that time? She’s spent most of it working for Dad’s spin business, hanging out with her brother and sister and avoiding the men of Fort Travis.

All she can feel is anger at herself, at the life she let go to feel this fucking lonely in an apartment she doesn’t even like. Before she can stop herself, she’s dialling the only person she still keeps in contact from the Island.

“Hello” Leah’s voice is groggy and it’s clear Shelby has woken her up.

“Oh Lord, sorry Leah, did I wake you?” She cringes.

“It’s all good.” she says and Shelby can hear her shuffling about in bed, sitting up. “What do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?”

“Oh, well – I” She takes a breath and tries to talk herself into asking Leah for what she wants. “I was just wondering if you have an address for Toni?” Shelby asks quickly, her voice shaking.

“What?” Leah asks, and Shelby outwardly cringes.

“Yeah, it’s a stupid idea I know. I’ve just been thinking about her a lot, you know, wondering how she is.”

“She’s doing good, Shelby, and so are you. Right?” Leah pushes when Shelby doesn’t answer her.

Shelby considers for a moment telling Leah everything. Telling her how she truly feels, how lost and alone she really is.

“Right” she says back instead, but her heart isn’t in the lie.

They say their goodbyes and Shelby gets up and looks into the mirror that sits above her mantle. “Let it go” she tells the girl staring back at her and walks into the bathroom for a long shower.

When she comes out, there’s a message from Leah on her phone, with Toni’s address. Shelby stares at it for a long time, etching it into her mind. She pictures Toni in her house and for one brief moment, Shelby wonders if Toni is with someone. If someone holds her at night or makes her laugh over breakfast, but the thought is all too painful to bear.

She looks around at her home, at the perfect clothes hanging in her closet, at the person she is expected to be constantly. Toni never expected her to be anyone but herself, and she always loved her for it. “Are you really going to live the rest of your life like this?” She asks into her reflection.

And that is how on her twenty-fifth birthday, Shelby Goodkind find herself boarding a plan to take her to LA. To take her back to Toni.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you for the Kudos on my first chapter. I really hope you enjoy this one, it’s quite angsty but we’ve got to push through it to get to the good stuff. Let me know what you think!

The flight from Texas to LA takes 3 hours and it takes about an hour into the journey for it to dawn on Shelby what she is doing. She starts to fidget in her seat a little, as the regret of her spontaneity eases into her, she picks at the skin on her thumb until it bleeds a little and then she sucks on it. The nerves in her stomach start to twist around themselves into a messy ball and she tries breathing through it and listening to some music. Eventually, it gets all too much and Shelby flags down the Air Hostess and orders a Vodka Orange Juice. She attempts to sip on it delicately but just ends up downing it quickly to try and numb the tension inside of her. Shelby isn’t usually much of a drinker, a white wine every now and again after a stressful day is the extent of her drinking habits, so the strength of the vodka hits her pretty quickly.

Two hours into the flight, Shelby starts to fidget again, crossing her leg over the other and then vice versa, trying to get comfortable. The man sitting next to her is typing on his laptop fervently, glances up at her.

“Sorry” Shelby mutters, “I’m a little nervous” she admits and the man raises a single eyebrow, but doesn’t give her a response and returns to his laptop. The alcohol in Shelby’s system has loosened her up a little and so she continues; “I’m flying out to visit my ex today”. The man ignores her again and Shelby says; “She doesn’t know I’m coming and we’ve been broken up for a while but I can’t stop thinking about her and I just want to see how she is, you know? Is that crazy?”

The man turns to look at her, before closing his laptop; “yes” he says, before getting up and going to the bathroom.

Shelby lets out a deep sigh and she looks out of the window to the blue sky below her. She grips tightly onto the phone in her hand the buttons on the side dig into her index finger. She lets herself think of what she’s going to do once she lands in LA. She had booked a last minute hotel when she had booked her flight last night. The butterflies in her stomach had felt excited at the time, she hadn’t done anything on a whim since she was with Toni. Now, her life was meticulously planned out and as she had booked herself into the hotel; she told herself that she needed some spontaneity in her life. Shelby decides she will check into her hotel once she has landed, freshen up and then she’ll get an Uber to the address Leah had sent her. Shelby pictures knocking on the door, tries to figure out what she would say but every time she runs the words over in her mind, she feels flustered and the butterflies that had fluttered in her stomach last night, come back ten fold.

In the end, she orders another Vodka Orange Juice and ignores the eyebrow quirk from the man sitting next to her.

Shelby lets herself into her hotel room and looks around at the grey décor. It doesn’t seem much different from her apartment in Texas. She feels a little tipsy from the drinks she consumed on the plane and when she looks into the bathroom mirror the florescent lights do nothing for the dark circles under her eyes. She looks exhausted and honestly Shelby can’t remember the last time she had a good nights’ sleep. Stepping under the hot water of the shower, Shelby lets the water run over as she pushes her hair from her face and tries to calm her beating heart. When she steps out she does her make up, and even curls her hair, remembering how much Toni liked it when she wore her hair like that. She would run her fingers through her soft curls and pull her in deeply for a kiss. Shelby’s heart aches at that memory.

It’s 4pm by the time her Uber pulls up and she gets in, sitting neatly in the back as she picks at the skin around her thumb nail. The journey to Toni’s house takes 20 minutes and half way there she nearly calls the whole thing off, and asks the driver to turn back around to the safety of her hotel. She isn’t sure what stops her, but before she knows it, they’re pulling into a suburban street and Shelby is asking the driver to pull up a little way from Toni’s house, not wanting to pull up directly outside.

Shelby steps out onto the street, pulling a little on the skirt she decided to wear. There are four small houses and from a look at the numbers Toni’s is right on the end. Shelby grips at her purse and takes a deep breath. She had come this far and the thought of backing out now didn’t seem much better than going through with it. She tries to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and as she walks towards Toni’s house a voice calls out her name and she is transported to five years ago.

“Shelby?” She spins on her feet and is met with two large brown eyes looking at her in alarm.

“Martha, hi” She says, forcing her voice to sound calm. Martha looks much olde since the last time Shelby saw her. Her hair shorter and lighter from the Californian sun, she’s wearing black jeans and an orange shirt with sunglasses propped on her head as she crosses the path from her car. She’s looking at Shelby like she has seen a ghost and Shelby thinks she must be looking at her the same way.

“What are you doing here?” Martha asks.

“Oh well- ” Shelby had been prepared for this question, she just thought Toni would be the one asking it. She had planned to pour her heart out, tell her everything she was feeling, all the regret that had consumed her over the years. But standing in front of Martha staring at her coldly, she can’t voice anything. Shelby can feel her cheeks flushing red as she scrambles for her words. “Leah sent me Toni’s address and I was in the area and I thought I would drop by and see how she is.” She cringes, it wasn’t a complete lie but she can hardly admit to Martha that she had flown to LA on a whim because she’s still in love with her ex-girlfriend.

Martha sighs and says; “Shelby, I don’t want to be rude but I really think you should go. Toni’s doing well, you know, she’s happy and I’m not sure you coming back into her life right now is the best thing for her.”

Shelby’s heart drops in her chest and she bites down on her lip before saying; “Right, yes, I understand. I’ll just – I’ll go” she mutters, before turning back and walking down the street.

“Martha” She calls out as she turns round, Martha is still rooted to the spot, watching her leave. “It was good to see you. I really do hope she is happy.” Martha nods in response, before disappearing down the driveway of Toni’s house.

Shelby wonders for a moment if Martha will tell Toni that she visited but then she thinks better of herself. Martha would do anything to protect Toni, including lie to her if it meant it was for her own good. She pulls her phone out and orders her Uber with shaking hands.

When she returns to her hotel room she sinks into the bed. It’s almost dinner time and her stomach rumbles as she kicks off her shoes. Her phone rings next to her and she absentmindedly answers it.

“Hello”

“You flew to LA and showed up at her house?” Leah hisses down the phone to her, her voice a mixture of shock and awe.

“Oh – Leah, hi” Shelby responds sheepish.

“What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know” Shelby sighs, sinking into the mattress.

“When I sent you her address, I thought you were going to write her a letter or Google Maps her house. Not get on a fucking plane less than 24 hours later and show up at her door.”

“Who writes letters anymore?” Shelby asks.

“Hey, letters are romantic” Leah responds and then Shelby hears her sigh down the phone. “Look, Martha is mad at me for giving you Toni’s address. She doesn’t want Toni to get hurt, I really think the best thing you can do is go home Shelby.”

Shelby is quiet for a moment, biting her lip as she contemplates what Leah has said; “Do you really think she doesn’t want to see me?” She asks.

“I don’t know, but she is happy now Shelby. It’s taken a long time for to be like this. You left remember? Go home to Texas, try and be happy there.”

Shelby sighs and blinks a few stray tears out of the corners of eyes. This was a mistake, she had been stupid to think that this would work out. She hums into the phone, acknowledging what Leah has said.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Leah says and Shelby doesn’t tell her that she is already hurt. That she is hurting every day, that she hasn’t stopped hurting since the day she left Toni.

“Okay” she agrees eventually. “I’m sorry I got you into trouble.”

Leah lets out a laugh, “Honestly, don’t worry, I was actually pretty impressed when I first heard. You’re not usually one for following your heart.”

“Sometimes I feel like I almost do it, but something always holds me back”. Shelby admits and it’s the first time she has been honest with someone for a while.

“I get that” Leah replies. The two fall into an easy silence before they say their goodbyes and eventually Shelby decides she should go out for something to eat.

There are a few restaurants and fast food chains along the street from her hotel and Shelby settles on a burger place. She orders a burger with all the extras and a side of large fries, intent on filling the hole that is currently sitting inside of her – whether that is from hunger or heartache she isn’t sure.

Once she has picked her food up, Shelby makes her way to the park across the street. She settles down onto the grass, sitting cross legged as she unpacks her food. As she eats, she looks out at all the busy people going about their day. Everyone has someone to see or go home to or a place to be. She doesn’t have any of those things. She feels completely detached from the world, like she’s floating above everyone’s watching them live their lives while she’s stranded.

Her eyes catch a glimpse of two girls walking hand in hand as they cross the road opposite the park. Her eyes flit to their faces and she feels the food into her mouth turn to ash. There she is. Toni. With her fingers intertwined with another girls’. They are almost too far away for Shelby to get a proper look at the girl Toni is with, but when she does, her heart drops. Shelby has only met Regan once, a few months after they returned from the Island; but she can see it’s her now and the lump in her chest feels like it’s going to explode.

Shelby sinks into herself as she watches them. They’re laughing together and Toni looks really fucking happy. She watches Toni untangle their hands and wraps an arm around Regan.

The park is filled with people, so it doesn’t really dawn on Shelby that Toni might see her until a moment too late. Toni’s eyes flit across the park as she tries to find a good spot for them to sit when her eyes fall on Shelby and all the colour drains from her face. Their eyes find each other immediately and Shelby genuinely considers getting up and running away, like that would leave her with any dignity.

Slowly, she takes a deep, shaky breath and smiles a little at Toni. Toni has come to a complete stop and Regan is looking at her confused as Toni’s arm falls from around her shoulders. Toni looks like she is also considering walking away, contemplating if she could pretend the whole brief encounter hasn’t happened. Instead she takes a step forward and with Regan following walks over to where Shelby is sitting.

“Shelby” she says when she’s about a foot away from her. Her voice sounds so good, and for a moment Shelby forgets to respond.

“Oh-uh-hi” she says, standing up abruptly. “Hi Toni”, she bites on her lip as Toni just stares at her eyebrows furrowed. Shelby takes a minute to take her in, the pictures on her Instagram haven’t done Toni any justice, she looks so beautiful that it almost pains Shelby.

“What are you doing here?” Toni asks. This is the moment, Shelby thinks, she could stand here and pour her heart out. Tell Toni that she has spent the last five years missing her, that she loves her now, still, and that she is sorry for ever leaving. But Regan is standing next to Toni, looking at her expectantly and so Shelby sighs and just says vaguely;  
  
“I’m here on business”

“Right, cool” Toni replies, awkwardly when Shelby doesn’t expand.

Shelby nods and her eyes flit to Regan, as if reading her mind Toni says “You remember Regan right?

“Yes of course, lovely to see you again” Shelby says, reaching her hand out to shake Regan’s. Her fingers are greasy from her fries but Regan takes it politely and mutters something like, “you too”.

Shelby fiddles with the hem of her shirt under the dark gaze of Toni. “Well” she says at last, breaking the tense silence that formed between the three women. “I’ll let you guys go, I don’t want to keep you.” She straightens her back and flashes Toni and Regan a toothy, pageant smile.

“Yeah, we should probably head of Toni” Regan says after a beat. Toni’s eyes remain trained on Shelby and Shelby wonders if she can still see right though her façade.

Toni finally snaps out of it and nods at Regan, “Yeah we should go. It was good to see you Shelby.”

“You too “ she mutters, but Toni and Regan have already turned and are walking towards the park exit, having abandoned their plans to enjoy the sunshine.

Shelby collapses on the floor, her burger and fries long forgotten. That meeting should have been enough really, Shelby thinks, she had seen Toni. She knew she was happy, confirmed any questions she had of if she was with someone. Shelby should go back to Texas, like Leah had said, but something in her can’t seem to walk away. Not this time.


End file.
